Art as My Meditation

There's nothing like creating art for me.

I'm not sure if it's because I know what steps I need to take to follow through and complete a piece. I don't know if it's because it gives me a sense of control because I can create whatever I need for myself. Honestly have no real idea what exactly it does for me. But it's my meditation.

Not being mentally well is, as you can imagine, not fun. Things worry me, things that probably shouldn't. Things like how every little thing I do could somehow Rube Goldberg the injury or death of someone I care about. People I tried to connect with throughout my life drifted away from me or else went down a path I couldn't follow. That and other factors I lived with growing up made me question the nature of who I was or what I had the potential of becoming.

There were so many things I wanted (and still want) to change about the space around me. But I especially wanted to change myself to be nicer or tougher or more reasonable or reliable. Or something. There must have been something I needed to change about myself, right? Why would all my potential associates poof away if there weren't something inherently wrong with me, right? Why would I make people around me angry at me if I weren't doing something wrong, right?

And I thought with a dedicated effort I could change the rambling, clingy, easily distracted, easily annoyed, easily upset snob I assumed I was. Be forgiving, even when that keeps happening. Be patient, even when that keeps happening. Don't get angry at others, even others take their anger out on me. After all, it's my fault I can't just put it out of my mind and ignore it. It didn't affect them. They turned out alright, so of course I should, right? It's my fault for feeling small, defenseless, isolated, miserable, paranoid, almost desperate to please.

There's nothing I can do about my situation, so I might as well "stop feeling sorry for myself" and just push the problem over there. Of course, other people seem to have an "over there." I don't. Everywhere I look, I'm surrounded. Strange how I can't get other people to realize that. Maybe I'm just stupid, I really don't know.

I try so hard, but if it doesn't come up with zeros, it backfires. Any little mistake feels like the whole house comes crashing down, like I ruined everything I ever worked for to be a better person. Intellectually, I know that's almost definitely not true, but that doesn't do much to stop the effect of experiencing that wave of absolute defeat. It doesn't stop the emotional bruise it leaves. I can tell myself I'm not a failure until I'm blue in the face, but the experience of feeling that I am makes it so real, it may as well have been true. I know I didn't fail, but I know I did. I try so hard.

Filling in the details of a sketch or ruminating on why some slightly different hue of a character's shirt makes me forget all of that. In fact, it's more than forgetting. It doesn't exist. It's just God, my work, and me. I've even thought about my issues whilst working, but then I just thought, "Yeah, whatever," and got back to work.

Art is more than just my hobby or my career. It does more than just "make me happy." It puts my being and my self (not 'myself') in a place where I can reconnoiter and think with reason. Its effect is stabilizing. More than making me want to throw open my windows and sing a Disney song because I'm just so gosh darn happy, it allows me to reestablish an equilibrium. I'm sure it may have at some point, but I do not clearly remember a recent time in which something someone said made me stabilize. It's almost always me picturing something stupid Jay says or some interesting plan I have for this other thing that makes me stabilize. It's always art.

I can make a plan, follow it through, and experience not a failure, but a success. And when I look back, I can see concrete proof of my successes, small as they may be.

A lot of people sit and center themselves to clear their minds. A lot of people go for long walks. A lot of people draw. I'm one of those people. It's my medication and my meditation. And I want to share that with others.

I don't know why it took me this long to figure this out. Even after spending two hours and change writing this, I still can't capture how bad it gets or the repose I get from art. But I feel as though this is why I go on so about my art.

"The Madness of Trying to Write a Comic" is getting another installment soon, God willing. It's a larger plan with more pieces than I've done for something like this, and I'm looking forward to it, but I've been putting it off due to a lack of spirit. I figured, "Hey, it's the new year," and I wanted to go in with my connection to my love reaffirmed and in my mind. Why not post about it? After all, I feel my mental health will be a larger part of my life, so I decided I'd do well to post about it from time to time.

I was tentatively diagnosed with depression and anxiety, which is something of a relief, because I thought I was just being pathetic. Even if I'm not actually depressed or I suppose it would be called anxious, I've been deteriorating in such a fashion for over two years. I know I'm not in good mental health. In what regard, I'll find out someday, God willing. Until all of that is super confirmed and everything, I have my art as a comfort. And while I share all this with whoever chooses to read it, I hope I can also share some of my meditation with others so that it, in some way, might be a comfort to you as well.

Thanks for reading.